He That Hath No Beard is Less Than a Man

knee-jerk hate machine — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 19:58:27 +0000

In my Geography exam last Thursday, somebody had written ‘Chagitha’ on the exam desk. I assumed this was a nickname, but what the hell kind of nickname is it? For starters, it’s longer than any possible name it could have come from and it also sounds like something Paris Hilton would name her dog. Having thought on the matter further, I’ve realised that I actually know of this Chagitha girl and her name’s actually Charlie. She also calls herself Chaggy Choo Chops. As you can tell, she’s a well-spoken and highly educated member of society.

The highlight of said geography exam was the behind of one of the invigilators. He had been previously known to me as ‘cute butt English guy’ because I thought his butt to be cute and he was often seen in and around the English department. However, this name has since been changed to smokin’ butt English guy, because the adjective cute really didn’t do him justice. As much praise as I do have for his bottom, his face was also beauteous to behold. It sort of reminded me of an eagle, maybe because his nose was a bit beak-ish, but not in an unpleasant way. A sexy, sexy eagle. Also, not to be crude, but he didn’t appear to be lacking in the trouser department either. He may have been silent, but with his eyes he was calling out to me: “Meredith. Give me some sex”. It’s tough being so alluring, you know.

I have also come to the conclusion over the past few days that I am a closet-pervert. Because there is no doubt about it that my mind is a riddled with perversion, but to look at me you wouldn’t think it. For example, my celebrity ‘To DO’ list is one hundred and seven names long. Society frowns upon female sexual deviants, but if I was a teenage boy I could release my sordid thoughts on the world with few embarrassing repercussions. I’d also have a penis which, I imagine, would be quite fun.

I’m really bad at comforting people. When people are sad I freak out, I sort of want to run away and leave it to the real people but instead I just sort of stand around awkwardly in the corner making inappropriate jokes whilst trying to look sympathetic. Which is essentially what I do in most social situations, except without the sympathy. I fear I shall never be much of a socialite. Socialite’s a nice word though. Brackish is also a nice word. Well it sounds nice I mean…Brackish. Brackish, brackish, brackish.

knee-jerk hate machine — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:07:52 +0000

I’d just written a first sentence but decided to tweet it instead. It can be seen either on my Twitter page, here or, to the left of this post in my Twitter-stream. It wasn’t that interesting, but see how I’ve now written four lines of (arguably dull) blog on the back of it? Sneaky.

Last week I picked my little brother up from school with my mum, he’s mainly cool but a bit of a freak. I taught him everything he knows. Anyway, we had to walk there (it’s just round the corner)(which was the main motivation behind me doing my work experience there) with one of the other mothers from the school who my mum sort of knows through work. She’s awful. She kept talking in innuendos about her boyfriend’s penis and then laughing loudly and thinking I didn’t know what she was talking about. Little did she know, I am the reigning queen of ‘that’s what she said’(this is admittedly a title I have bestowed upon myself) and therefore well learned in innuendos. Not that you’d need to be to decipher her crude attempts. I’m sorry but since when was it acceptable for a 30 something year old woman to talk loudly about ‘rods’ in the grounds of a primary school?

knee-jerk hate machine — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:14:47 +0000

I’ve decided that I just want a load of dvds and books for my birthday, because my phone’s basically ok except that it sometimes switches off randomly and I’ve lost the memory card slot cover so the inside is going a little bit rusty (I might try to cover it up with blutack. Ooh, classy.)…but like I say, it’s fine. The other option was a new camera, but I’ve got my phone camera working again, which is more functional as a camera than my actual camera. This decision was also spurred on by me finding a list I’d written a while ago of all the dvds, books etc. that I wanted and the prospect of owning the contents of the list excited me.

I had a French exam today, well two actually; reading and writing. It wasn’t completely awful. Except at one point I didn’t know the French word for hard so I just put an e on the end of hard, which if you ask me is a foolproof plan for learning the French language. Also, one of the invigilator’s top didn’t fit properly and it kept sort of riding up and showing her stomach, which made me angry. Not because she had a particularly offensive stomach, but how can she be trusted to invigilate an exam when she appears to be unable to wear properly fitting clothes? And also, I think she saw me looking at her stomach which probably made me look like a stomach-staring lesbian which I (usually) am not.

The main exam invigilator is basically a perfect copy of the slug from Monsters Inc. in human form. It’s quite something to behold. And in my maths exam last week one of the invigilators was looking at me because I was fashioning some of my hair into a rather fetching moustache, so as a whole I have concluded that invigilators are humourless and demon-like beings with one purpose in life: to stand around looking miserable and wearing awful clothes.

knee-jerk hate machine — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 19:19:29 +0000

I really like to walk everywhere. I walked to the postbox today for example. But other examples of places I’ve walked to are: school, friends’ houses, the park and the cinema. Initially, it was because my mum was at work and couldn’t drive me, and I don’t like bus drivers, or buses, or the people on buses. Once when I was trying to get on the bus, the old man bus driver looked shocked and then told me he had to go to the toilet so I couldn’t get on yet and it was embarrassing. Get out to go to the toilet I mean, it was at a bus station – he wasn’t just relieving himself where he was. Though, that would probably have been less embarrassing (for me at least). Another time, I was texting someone and forgot to press the button when I wanted to get off and then when I realised what had happened I can imagine my expression was a mixture of shocked and afraid, and people were looking at me ;_;

So that’s why I don’t like buses so much, but now I just walk as much as I can because I’ve decided I like it. The only thing I don’t like about it is that now instead of fellow bus-goers looking at me, I have passing motorists looking at me. But it’s ok because I can pretend not to see them. I like walking because I get to listen to my Ipod(which I could admittedly do on the bus, but for less time) and, at the risk of sounding mental, I get a long time to talk to myself (obviously not out loud, I tried that once, didn’t come off so well) and plan things, and think about things. It’s the only real social interaction I have. Ok that was a lie, but it’s probably the most frequent social interaction I have.

knee-jerk hate machine — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 14:18:22 +0000

I love Stumbleupon. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a web browser add-on which finds you a random website tailored to your interests every time you click the ‘Stumble!’ button and it’s consuming my life. It’s an excellent tool for procrastination, and I am without doubt of its ability to ensure my permanent fixation to the computer screen this summer.
I thought it might be fun to click the Stumbleupon button and post the first ten websites that come up here. Well maybe fun’s the wrong word. Maybe ‘I didn’t have anything to blog about’ is a more accurate description of my circumstance.

http://grant.robinson.name/projects/guess-the-google/game/?l=6
-a fairly boring game in which you have to guess which google search term was entered in order to yield the images shown

http://www.airtightinteractive.com/projects/related_tag_browser/app/
-ooh, I like this one. You search for pictures from Flickr using a tag of your choice and can view the results in this handy flash photo viewing oojamaflip

http://www.myinterestingfiles.com/2008/03/after-ice-rain-in-south-china.html
-pictures of the aftermath of ice rain in China…what is ice rain?

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-lewd-cat-would-like-to-lick-you/?pks=stmb%2520lewd%2520cat

-a lewd cat. Awesome.

http://www.esa.int/images/ISS,20.jpg

-neat picture of the international space station

http://www.robgendlerastropics.com/
-astrophotography- pictures of space and shit

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/
-”Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.”

http://listverse.com/2010/01/07/top-10-common-faults-in-human-thought/

-an article outlining the ‘Top 10 common faults in human thought’

http://www.actionscript.cl/
-cool time wasting fiddly flash gallery

http://kuvaton.com/kuvei/pizzaburger.jpeg
-instructions for how to make a massive bacon and cheese stuffed pizza burger. NICE.

knee-jerk hate machine — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:54:09 +0000

On one of my exam desks earlier this week, someone had written
5 days till the world cup!!
it was awful. I was embarrassed in case people had thought I’d written it. I don’t care who can manoeuvre a ball into a net (or…manoeuvre a ball into Annette) more times. But what I do care about, is all the tacky flags hanging everywhere and interrupting my sweet sweet style as I walk past, and the fact that it is all anybody fucking talks about everywhere. Twitter has been taken over by a menagerie of flags. And do you know what’s the worst thing? There isn’t even a New Zealand one.

*end of pathetically short blog*

knee-jerk hate machine — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:38:40 +0000

Just jumping on the proverbial bandwagon and blogging about Charlie Brooker and Konnie Huq’s engagement. At first, like many, I simply could not believe it. And then, when The Daily Mail was no longer the only source to have reported it, I realised it probably was true but I continued to refuse to believe it(for example, proclaiming that “It must be a different Konnie Huq, a different Konnie Huq!”). I’m still very much in the denial stage at this precise moment in time.

Now, you have to understand I’m not reacting in this was because I’m a crazy, obsessed fangirl who thinks he should marry me and me alone(…). Nor because I simply find the idea of somebody wanting to marry Charlie Brooker implausible. But, it’s just, having judged them both from afar, I’m just left asking: why? Konnie Huq, this is the same Konnie Huq who presented Blue Peter throughout my childhood, the same Konnie Huq who’s just landed a role presenting the Xtra Factor?
And this is Charlie Brooker who portrays an angry, cynical and fiercely witty and intelligent persona in the regular columns he writes for the Guardian and the many series of his various ‘-wipes’. It’s strange.

(is this how he seduced her?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQx4gedf410#t=1m35s )

Of course, I’m not naive enough to think that the way I, as a member of the public, have judged them is the way that they are in real life. I know that Charlie Brooker probably isn’t that angry, and, although less confident of it, Konnie Huq probably isn’t a personality-less drone(although I still find the idea of a Brooker-to-be presenting the Xtra factor highly disturbing). I know if Charlie Brooker wants to marry her, then Charlie Brooker will marry her, and I suppose, as much as I shall protest, it’s ok by me (an unimportant bystander) because he’s right about most things, and if he was going to start being wrong about things, then his choice of wife would be a pretty awful place to start really.

I suppose when it comes down to it, what worries me most is, who’s going to break it to Dara?

knee-jerk hate machine — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:11:17 +0000

Some may say it was wrong of me to laugh at the man on This Morning who had suffered from penile cancer, but as he described his remaining “stump” with such openness, I feel it would have been wrong of me not to laugh. Particularly amusing was the look on his wife’s face as he described the chances of his new, surgeon-built, penis meaning they were still able to have sex as “unlikely”. In fact, I question how happy she was about sitting next to her husband and his butchered penis, as he grinned and used hand gestures to describe in detail the state of his cancer ridden penis pre-amputation. He certainly seemed more than happy. He also said the word stump about six times, maybe he was trying to start a new trend.

My brother’s going to meet Jeremy Kyle tomorrow, and I’m actually quite jealous. When I was listening to AIOTM (aiotm) this morning, he was described as ‘a hideous cancer on the face of humanity’ which I think is fairly accurate, however, if my brother doesn’t get something signed for me, I will maim him violently. It’s funny how my mind moved from the topic of penile cancer to Jeremy Kyle…

I need to remove myself from the computer and read about Gorbachev and Stalin and the like, but when I think about my impending history test it makes me want to cry until my eyes dry up like salty, eye-shaped raisins. Which is what I imagine happens if you cry for prolonged periods of time.

knee-jerk hate machine — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 16:35:34 +0000

I didn’t post yesterday, and I’d apologize, but I’m fairly confident that you don’t mind, and if you do mind then there’s not much you can do about it and really, I think you should stop being so over-sensitive. It’s pathetic. I’m just going to pretend that it was because I was doing something really important and time consuming and secret, so if anyone asks(as I’m sure many will) – that’s what you tell ‘em.

I had a business studies test and then a maths test today, but I had about an hour and a half in between the two exams and I wasn’t allowed to stay in school during that time, in case I wreaked havoc, burnt things, frightened pigeons, etc. Also, I wore the wrong trousers today, big mistake on my part because they kept falling down in a big way. In the end I just kind of held them up, which made me feel like a hobo, which was bad, but also slightly like some kind of sexual predator, which was a good thing. Obviously. Well, my business studies test went fantastically well, I believe, this was perhaps helped by the overly confident smile I flashed to my business studies teacher, who then proceeded to look taken aback by the smile. I think I did my thumbs up smile, my thumbs up smile is awful, and so-called because I usually do it by accident whenever I do a thumbs up to someone. I’ve banned myself from giving people thumbs up because of said smile so that nobody ever has to see the smile again. It’s not even a smile, it’s more of a grimace.

I’ve been creeping on famous people’s Facebook pages recently. Some of them add fans as friends, and when I’m their friend I can a: call myself their friend and b: look through all of their pictures. Major result.

Some breaking news right here. Ok it’s not really news, but someone just sent me this question on Tumblr:
“You like Adam Buxton and AIOTM (aiotm!) and The Thick of It?! I wish I was that cool when I was 15! You have brilliant taste, just thought you should know. “
and it made me feel cool

…what? You don’t care? oh…well I don’t care that you don’t care. How do you like them potatoes?

knee-jerk hate machine — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 21:29:16 +0000

I’ve done loads of maths revision today, and I’m not even lying about that to make myself feel better. It’s cool though, because I get maths, it makes sense. I like that there’s just one answer, as opposed to all the different stuff that passes for right in an English exam. Everyone else went out and left me home to revise, which is a situation I could have abused. But abuse it I did not.

I’m so tired though, I was kept up last night by about six moths that decided to invade my room and they were all really big, scary ones. I am ridiculously petrified of moths and I’m not even sure why. They’re just so creepy. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and haven’t opened the window tonight. Take that moths. Last night I had to spray them with fly spray, but they didn’t die properly and just fell on the floor and start making flapping and scratching noises to punish me for maiming them.

I’ve also downloaded the Doctor Who adventure game, but I’m really bad at it because Amy keeps dying and the controls are bloody confusing. I feel they would be less confusing if I had been able to get my joystick to work. I love my joystick. It’s also amusing to me because it’s penis shaped, as is everything that’s even vaguely penis shaped and if you say penis shaped objects are not funny, you are a heinous liar.